Dumb is the New Cool

Don't call it a comeback! Why such a long pause? Not sure, call it writer's block or maybe I just found myself venting on the same issues all the time such as traffic or people's uncanny ability to be self-absorbed.

Since I'm on the subject, there was this one this one person I came across today that was so caught up in her own little world that she hadn't a care in the world and was oblivious to the chaos she was causing around her. First off, she was on the phone (not hands free) so she decided to pull over. Admirable, right? Would have been if it wasn't for the fact that she pulled over to a curb where there was NO PARKING ANYTIME...and for good reason. She was parked in the middle of a driving lane. But she just proceeded to laugh and enjoy her conversation and cigarette as drivers behind her had to come to a quick halt from around the corner and end up dodging traffic in the opposing lane to get around her little red mini Coop. This type of thing unconscious behavior angers me. I gave her a dirty stare which she noticed a few times but not enough for her to say "what the f*** you looking at?" but probably enough for her to tell the party on the other line of my creepy glare. Then she moved up a notch on my list of despicable people by flicking her cigarette on out the window! Yuck! Not only is it a horrible, dirty habit, but many smokers feel they not only have to share their smoke with non-smokers by blowing it in their direction, but there going to flick dirty ashes out car windows and flick their dirty butts on the ground? What is up with that? I felt like going over, picking it up and handing it back to her. "Did you drop this?" Which brings me to a question...why do people still smoke?

Now, I can understand people who smoked for years who were brought up in a generation that thought smoking made you look cool, but why is today's youth still smoking? In a time when smokers have been pretty much cast out to their tiny little designated areas, kicked out of bars and restaurants and must be so many feet from buildings almost like a person with a restraining order against them. I can (almost)understand back in the day when it was promoted as cool with iconic actors like Bogart, James Dean or Bette Davis looking sophisticated puffing away, but in today's world with all the ugliness against the big tobacco companies and the overwhelming data of how detrimental it is to the health of the person smoking and the people and children around them...young persons smoking no longer looks cool. They look dumb. And three times as dumb when they are smoking, blocking traffic and littering. All in the name of self-absorption. I guess dumb is the new cool?

Flying High Again

Well hello. Where have you been? Oh, that's right, I'm the one who hasn't been writing.

Just got back from yet another trip to Philly. I've become a frequent flier this year. Flying is an experience that you never really get use to. Something about a big metal contraption zooming across the sky at 500 miles per hour holding 200 + people just doesn't seem right. Not to mention that your leaving your life in the hands of one or two persons who make, probably as much as you or less. The average airline pilot starts off between $30,000 to $50,000 a year according to which airline. Wow!

The whole process seems a little odd to me. Recently I had my toothpaste and hair gel confiscated. Forgot the no liquids rule. "OK, I'm hijacking this plane!!! Anyone tries to stop me and I will make sure your teeth are sparkling clean with a minty freshness and that your hair is perfect! I'm not kidding! Just try me!

Plus, you have to take your shoes off. I heard an announcement not too long ago, "We have a pair of brown shoes left at the security checkpoint. Please return to the security checkpoint if you left a pair of brown shoes." How can you forget your shoes?

I can't understand why people just can't seem to follow the simple rules at the airport. "Please do not stand in the red carpeted area. The red carpeted area is designated for airport personnel only." As I watch about 10 persons lounging on the floor of the red carpet as if it was their living room floor.

And since when did airline attendants become stand up comics? "Your seat cushion can also be used as a flotation device if for some odd reason we land in water in the desert between Burbank and Phoenix." Funny. "Please turn of all electronic devices including all cell phones, blackberries, raspberries, gameboys, gamegirls..." Ha! Maybe it's the altitude that makes people think they are the next Rodney Dangerfield?

Hate turbulence too. Who doesn't? One time we hit the worst turbulence I ever felt in my life. People screamed, luggage fell, drinks were spilled. The worse second of my life. And of course the pilot gets on and talks to you like the suave leading man soap opera star, "Sorry about that folks. Getting a little bumpy. Please return to your seats. Things should smooth out in a few minutes." Bumpy? It felt like we were hip checked by God!!

It's really a crap shoot who you are going to sit next to or around. Crying babies, overtalkers, underbathers or overactive bladderers. I went to sit next to a lady who gave me a dirty look when she had to move her bag from my seat. Shit, if she wants to pay me my $500 for the seat, I'd be happy to sit in the john for take off. Then I had the kids behind me who can't sit still, kicking to seat, singing Hanna Montana songs. I think kids either need to be sedated on flights or treated like luggage. They need to fit in the overhead bins or checked and put in with the rest of the luggage.

I also love the rude people. When we finally landed, I asked, "Does anyone know what gate we are at?" Three people looked at me as if I asked them to have sex with me. Just a simple question folks.

We ended up at gate b14, which I thought was good cause my connecting flight was at gate b18 and I had 10 mins to spare. But, it would be too logical to put gate b14 next to b18, right? No, instead I had to go backward, gate b13, 12, 11, 10 down to b1, make a left and travel across 2 of them moving walkways, make a right, b15, 16, 17 and finally 18. Makes sense aye? Just to find there was a gate change. Amazingly I still made it. By far a fun experience. When is teleportation coming?

One last question. Why can airlines charge you what ever they feel like? Why can you get a flight, in coach, for $200 and then be charged $1000 for the same flight a week later? What other business does that? You don't go to the local deli and buy a $5 sandwich only to pay $500 for the same sandwich next week!! That's why you need to get as much out of the flight as possible. Order 10 sodas, take the in-flight magazines (like Sky Mall, so you can order that $25 marshmallow shooter!), keep the pillow, blanket, headphones etc... and demand free pistachios!

Let's Get Physical

Went to the doctor the other day. First time in 4 years. Didn't tell me much new. I have high blood pressure, high triglycerides and high cholesterol. How come high is not good when it comes to health? Hey, I got the highest score in PAC-MAN (I'm dating myself) That's good! I scored high on the SATS! Good! I can jump higher than you! Great!

So anyway, he starts going through all the stuff I should avoid: breads, pastas, sugar-filled snacks, salt-filled snacks and beer~~OUCH! First off as far as I'm concerned, if it doesn't have salt or sugar on it, it ain't no snack. Secondly, why is it always the things that you love that you can't eat? Why don't they ever say, "Try to avoid liver, octopus and prune juice"? "Stay clear of chocolate covered crickets and sauteed monkey brains"? If if it so bad for you, why does your body rejoice when you eat things you like. When you bite into a chocolate chip cookie, your body seems to say "YES!!!!" When you bite into a collage of steamed carrots and cauliflower from a diner your body seems to say, "BOOOORING!"

You would think that the body, being the complex machine it is, would have programmed itself to make the good things in life to eat, the most beneficial. Right?
What about sex? Sex feels good and is good for you. The main function of sex is to keep the human race thriving, therefore, it is logical that sex feels good. Right? If sex felt like banging a nail into the side of your head, most of us wouldn't do it and the human race would have died off long ago. Or exercise even. Ok, maybe exercise takes a little more motivation than sex, but after a good workout, you usually feel good. It feels good and it's good for you. If food tastes good, then it should be good for you. Right? So, the doctor should be saying, "You need to up your pizza and beer intake if you want to be around another 40 years." Yes! That's what I want to hear!

On top of that I was run through a ringer of other tests including my first prostate exam. Doc says, "OK Mr. McGuire, just relax." OH MOMMY! Easy for him to say! Was he reaching for the prostate? Felt more like the adam's apple Then he grabbed my jewels and told me to cough. Believe me, I couldn't help BUT cough! Then, blood work, urine sample, chest x-rays, EKG and then he performed tricky surgery by extracting a few hundred bucks from my bank account.

Anyway, what an experience. I wonder if pistachios are high in cholesterol?

Quickies

So a girl is reading a text while walking down the street and falls in an open man hole and her family is suing because people shouldn't have to take responsibility for their own safety. I should be able to walk down the street with my eyes closed and nothing should happen to me!

Found Michael Jackson's nose! Oops...no I didn't. Just a Brazil nut.

An amateur astronomer discovered that an Earth-sized object crashed into Jupiter. An amateur!!!! You mean all of these professional astronomers at NASA and all these prestigious universities who are getting paid the big bucks missed this!! It was Earth-sized!!! You know what that means if it would have hit the Earth!!!

Why is it split pea soup? Whole peas are too big to fit in a soup?

Michael Vick is reinstated into the NFL. Didn't think he had a doggone chance. Wonder what team will fetch him? They should keep him on a short leash for a few months.

Isn't a near miss a hit?

A Typical Trip to Work

Here is a behind the scenes look into what goes through my head on a typical drive to work:

Did I unplug the iron?

Yeah, that's fine, cross the street without looking! With a baby carriage no less!

What's that smell? Is that coming from inside or outside? It's either the garbage truck in front of me or old french fries I dropped under my seat.

Oooh, look at her! If my daughter dressed like that I'd smack her! Ok, maybe not smack her, but she wouldn't leave the house like that.

ASSHOLE!!! What the hell is wrong with people!!?? What is the rush? Ha! You just weaved in and out of traffic and here we are...next to each other...at the red light. Yeah, don't ignore me...you know I'm right next to you! What is that? A tattoo on your head? Who gets a tattoo on their head? You'll look funny when your 80!

Ooh...I love this song!!! I could feel at the time. There was no way of knowing. Fallen leaves in the night. Why doesn't Roxy Music get back together? Oh, that's right, nobody would go.

Ha! There's a misspelling on that sign! There's no "p" in cholesterol.

OH SHIT!!! IDIOT!!! OH, YOU HAVE TO TURN LEFT AND YOUR IN THE RIGHT LANE SO WE ALL NEED TO SLAM THE BRAKES...WHAT A DAMN...hey, plums are on sale at Whole Foods! I should stop on the way home. But, you know I won't.

That's gay! I'm sorry, but if a guy is walking a dog who is smaller than 3 feet, he's gay! But, what do I know? Maybe he's not. Just whipped maybe. Ha! "Make sure you walk Mitsy before you go!" "Uh...yes dear!" Ha!

Oh look Charming Luxury Apartments. Really! They overlook the Metro Bus Station...how charming!

OOPS! CROSSWALK! Sorry lady I didn't see you!!! So, she's shaking her fist at me. What's she going to do? She's like 72! I should pull over and see what she does...nah, she'll probably kick my ass.

Is that guy wearing a nightgown? I think he is! That's a nightgown! A pink nightgown! That guy is wearing a pink night gown in broad daylight!

Oh, shit! Cop behind me! Damn! 40, down to 35, down to 30. Steady! Steady! Phew, he's turning!

Ah...Ventura Blvd. Finally! Hey, that homeless guy is dressed better than me! His hair ain't bad either.

GO, GO GO!!! DAMN! YOU ALL SUCK!!! We could have made that light. LOSERS! Finally at work! Damn, I forgot my pistachios!! Did I leave the iron on?

Can You Live Without It?

Well, we've been through my pet peeves. Let's discuss things I can live without:

1. Blue Tooth technology: Back in the old days, when a person was standing on the corner by themselves talking, they were labeled "crazy." Now, they might be talking to their stock broker about whether they should sell the vested stock they have in Pez dispensers. I don't know, I think it's annoying. Have you ever rode the elevator with someone using Blue Tooth and you don't realize it until you see the gadget hanging from their ear like some Star Trek Cyborg? All you hear is, "I love you too honey," and you turn around and say "huh?" and then you look like the fool. As far as I'm concerned, no one needs to be connected all the time and Blue Tooth people are just trying to draw attention to themselves because they were probably latch key kids growing up. I'm just saying...

2. Teens with their underwear hanging out of their pants: This fad (I thought) started in Rap Music as some sort of tribute to all the homies locked up in the pokies. Because prisoners aren't allowed to wear belts and their pants are always falling down. As far as I'm concerned, this fashion can stay in jail. How? Make it illegal. Some cities are doing it all ready. Or if that is too harsh of a solution, then the other alternative is that everybody do it. If everyone does it, then it won't be cool anymore. Imagine all the business men walking the streets with their pants low under their tighty whities or grandma going to the supermarket with her granny panties hanging out! Finish it off by adding a sideways White Sox cap. Yo Yo!

3. My child is an honor student bumper stickers: Who gives a crap? What do you want me to do? Should I beep my horn to honor little Johnny cause he passed the 3rd grade with honors? He got all the gold stars on his test papers? Yep, you know the ones hanging on the fridge. Give me a break! Here is a note to all the parents out there: When your kid cures cancer or global warming or figures out a way to feed the world, then I will put a bumper sticker on my car too. I would love to see a sticker that says, "My kid cheated off of your kid and got honors too."

4. Slow songs from Green Day: This may not fit with the others, but I heard the song "21 Guns" today and enough is enough. First of all it's bad enough you're a punk band with a lead singer named Billy Jo Amrstrong. What ever happen to the good old days when punk rockers were named Sid Vicious, Johnny Rotten and Richard Hell. Secondly, you wouldn't catch any of those bands like the Sex Pistols and the Ramones sing a ballad. Now don't get me wrong...Green Day can rock and my point is that's what they should be doing. Change your name to Billy Jo Murder or Billy Jo Slitthroat and leave the ballads to Death Cab For Cutie, who by the way has more of a punk sounding name than Green Day.

That's it for now. Hey, I didn't even mention pistachios in this blog. Oh, I just did. Pis out.

Down in Front!

Went to the movies the other day. Saw Terminator. I'll have to say, despite the distractions...I'll be back. But, a few ground rules need to be set and I will need all my faithful readers (all 3 of them) to support me in these rules.

Rule 1- This is the most important rule. Don't go to the movies if you don't plan on watching a movie. Going to the movies doesn't mean texting your buddies. If you have read my previous blogs you will know by now, that I'm not a fan of texting. No texting in line at the store, no texting while driving, no texting during sex (I bet it happens) and no texting during the movie. What is so important that it can't wait until Christian Bale is done cursing out some dumb T-800 that wandered on to the set when it wasn't supposed to?

Rule 2- The movie is not a bedroom. No smooching, hands off the asses, thighs etc. And I'm not saying this because I'm jealous. I'm saying this because I paid $11 for the movie and I can't possible watch the two of you and the movie at the same time.

Rule 3- If your hand reaches the bottom of the bag, that means it's empty. No need to crinkle, crumble, crackle or crimple the bag to manuever that last little kernal out. You've had enough anyway as it takes a bull dowser full of pop corn just to fill a small anyway.

Rule 4- Keep all infants at home. If you don't have enough money for the movie and a baby sitter, then stay home and watch Lethal Weapon 4 on TNT. That's the sacrifice you have to take when you have kids. And as for the older kids, 5, 6, 7 years old, if your are in any movie that doesn't start off with with Tinkerbell spreading her pixie dust or that lovable little Pixar desk lamp, then you don't belong there. Parental Discretion doesn't mean, everything is Ok as long as mommy and daddy are here. Cause what's going to happen is little Bobby is going to get bored with Christain Bale's rants and he'll start making farting sounds with his cheeks

Rule 5- Be on time. First of all, the movie never starts on time. You have at least 15 minutes of previews to get through and you still can't make it on time? Then you are going to spend another 5 minutes staring up from the bottom of the stairs trying to see (in the dark) if there are two seats together for you and your tardy date. And don't come up to me and ask me to move over a seat because I have empty seats on each side of me. No! The rule should be, if you are in after the movie starts, you need to sit in the front row. That way you'll have a sore neck all week and that will learn you to be on time next time.

I guess that's all I have time for. I'm sure I can think of a few more. Until then, enjoy the pistachios and leave me the ailse seat. Pis out.