Quickies

So a girl is reading a text while walking down the street and falls in an open man hole and her family is suing because people shouldn't have to take responsibility for their own safety. I should be able to walk down the street with my eyes closed and nothing should happen to me!

Found Michael Jackson's nose! Oops...no I didn't. Just a Brazil nut.

An amateur astronomer discovered that an Earth-sized object crashed into Jupiter. An amateur!!!! You mean all of these professional astronomers at NASA and all these prestigious universities who are getting paid the big bucks missed this!! It was Earth-sized!!! You know what that means if it would have hit the Earth!!!

Why is it split pea soup? Whole peas are too big to fit in a soup?

Michael Vick is reinstated into the NFL. Didn't think he had a doggone chance. Wonder what team will fetch him? They should keep him on a short leash for a few months.

Isn't a near miss a hit?

A Typical Trip to Work

Here is a behind the scenes look into what goes through my head on a typical drive to work:

Did I unplug the iron?

Yeah, that's fine, cross the street without looking! With a baby carriage no less!

What's that smell? Is that coming from inside or outside? It's either the garbage truck in front of me or old french fries I dropped under my seat.

Oooh, look at her! If my daughter dressed like that I'd smack her! Ok, maybe not smack her, but she wouldn't leave the house like that.

ASSHOLE!!! What the hell is wrong with people!!?? What is the rush? Ha! You just weaved in and out of traffic and here we are...next to each other...at the red light. Yeah, don't ignore me...you know I'm right next to you! What is that? A tattoo on your head? Who gets a tattoo on their head? You'll look funny when your 80!

Ooh...I love this song!!! I could feel at the time. There was no way of knowing. Fallen leaves in the night. Why doesn't Roxy Music get back together? Oh, that's right, nobody would go.

Ha! There's a misspelling on that sign! There's no "p" in cholesterol.

OH SHIT!!! IDIOT!!! OH, YOU HAVE TO TURN LEFT AND YOUR IN THE RIGHT LANE SO WE ALL NEED TO SLAM THE BRAKES...WHAT A DAMN...hey, plums are on sale at Whole Foods! I should stop on the way home. But, you know I won't.

That's gay! I'm sorry, but if a guy is walking a dog who is smaller than 3 feet, he's gay! But, what do I know? Maybe he's not. Just whipped maybe. Ha! "Make sure you walk Mitsy before you go!" "Uh...yes dear!" Ha!

Oh look Charming Luxury Apartments. Really! They overlook the Metro Bus Station...how charming!

OOPS! CROSSWALK! Sorry lady I didn't see you!!! So, she's shaking her fist at me. What's she going to do? She's like 72! I should pull over and see what she does...nah, she'll probably kick my ass.

Is that guy wearing a nightgown? I think he is! That's a nightgown! A pink nightgown! That guy is wearing a pink night gown in broad daylight!

Oh, shit! Cop behind me! Damn! 40, down to 35, down to 30. Steady! Steady! Phew, he's turning!

Ah...Ventura Blvd. Finally! Hey, that homeless guy is dressed better than me! His hair ain't bad either.

GO, GO GO!!! DAMN! YOU ALL SUCK!!! We could have made that light. LOSERS! Finally at work! Damn, I forgot my pistachios!! Did I leave the iron on?

Can You Live Without It?

Well, we've been through my pet peeves. Let's discuss things I can live without:

1. Blue Tooth technology: Back in the old days, when a person was standing on the corner by themselves talking, they were labeled "crazy." Now, they might be talking to their stock broker about whether they should sell the vested stock they have in Pez dispensers. I don't know, I think it's annoying. Have you ever rode the elevator with someone using Blue Tooth and you don't realize it until you see the gadget hanging from their ear like some Star Trek Cyborg? All you hear is, "I love you too honey," and you turn around and say "huh?" and then you look like the fool. As far as I'm concerned, no one needs to be connected all the time and Blue Tooth people are just trying to draw attention to themselves because they were probably latch key kids growing up. I'm just saying...

2. Teens with their underwear hanging out of their pants: This fad (I thought) started in Rap Music as some sort of tribute to all the homies locked up in the pokies. Because prisoners aren't allowed to wear belts and their pants are always falling down. As far as I'm concerned, this fashion can stay in jail. How? Make it illegal. Some cities are doing it all ready. Or if that is too harsh of a solution, then the other alternative is that everybody do it. If everyone does it, then it won't be cool anymore. Imagine all the business men walking the streets with their pants low under their tighty whities or grandma going to the supermarket with her granny panties hanging out! Finish it off by adding a sideways White Sox cap. Yo Yo!

3. My child is an honor student bumper stickers: Who gives a crap? What do you want me to do? Should I beep my horn to honor little Johnny cause he passed the 3rd grade with honors? He got all the gold stars on his test papers? Yep, you know the ones hanging on the fridge. Give me a break! Here is a note to all the parents out there: When your kid cures cancer or global warming or figures out a way to feed the world, then I will put a bumper sticker on my car too. I would love to see a sticker that says, "My kid cheated off of your kid and got honors too."

4. Slow songs from Green Day: This may not fit with the others, but I heard the song "21 Guns" today and enough is enough. First of all it's bad enough you're a punk band with a lead singer named Billy Jo Amrstrong. What ever happen to the good old days when punk rockers were named Sid Vicious, Johnny Rotten and Richard Hell. Secondly, you wouldn't catch any of those bands like the Sex Pistols and the Ramones sing a ballad. Now don't get me wrong...Green Day can rock and my point is that's what they should be doing. Change your name to Billy Jo Murder or Billy Jo Slitthroat and leave the ballads to Death Cab For Cutie, who by the way has more of a punk sounding name than Green Day.

That's it for now. Hey, I didn't even mention pistachios in this blog. Oh, I just did. Pis out.

Down in Front!

Went to the movies the other day. Saw Terminator. I'll have to say, despite the distractions...I'll be back. But, a few ground rules need to be set and I will need all my faithful readers (all 3 of them) to support me in these rules.

Rule 1- This is the most important rule. Don't go to the movies if you don't plan on watching a movie. Going to the movies doesn't mean texting your buddies. If you have read my previous blogs you will know by now, that I'm not a fan of texting. No texting in line at the store, no texting while driving, no texting during sex (I bet it happens) and no texting during the movie. What is so important that it can't wait until Christian Bale is done cursing out some dumb T-800 that wandered on to the set when it wasn't supposed to?

Rule 2- The movie is not a bedroom. No smooching, hands off the asses, thighs etc. And I'm not saying this because I'm jealous. I'm saying this because I paid $11 for the movie and I can't possible watch the two of you and the movie at the same time.

Rule 3- If your hand reaches the bottom of the bag, that means it's empty. No need to crinkle, crumble, crackle or crimple the bag to manuever that last little kernal out. You've had enough anyway as it takes a bull dowser full of pop corn just to fill a small anyway.

Rule 4- Keep all infants at home. If you don't have enough money for the movie and a baby sitter, then stay home and watch Lethal Weapon 4 on TNT. That's the sacrifice you have to take when you have kids. And as for the older kids, 5, 6, 7 years old, if your are in any movie that doesn't start off with with Tinkerbell spreading her pixie dust or that lovable little Pixar desk lamp, then you don't belong there. Parental Discretion doesn't mean, everything is Ok as long as mommy and daddy are here. Cause what's going to happen is little Bobby is going to get bored with Christain Bale's rants and he'll start making farting sounds with his cheeks

Rule 5- Be on time. First of all, the movie never starts on time. You have at least 15 minutes of previews to get through and you still can't make it on time? Then you are going to spend another 5 minutes staring up from the bottom of the stairs trying to see (in the dark) if there are two seats together for you and your tardy date. And don't come up to me and ask me to move over a seat because I have empty seats on each side of me. No! The rule should be, if you are in after the movie starts, you need to sit in the front row. That way you'll have a sore neck all week and that will learn you to be on time next time.

I guess that's all I have time for. I'm sure I can think of a few more. Until then, enjoy the pistachios and leave me the ailse seat. Pis out.

Reality Bites

I have a good idea for the next great reality show. A bunch of unhappy TV viewers go to the sets of all these shows and let loose some havoc. We can start by dropping of boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts to Survivor Island (and maybe the set of the Biggest Loser too). We can make Simon sing "Tip Toe Through The Tulips" at gun point while Paula Abdul dances behind him high on pixie sticks or whatever she's on. We send some New York taxi drivers to pick up everyone from The Amazing Race and that will easily cut the show down to a half hour at least. Here's a reality show: Kidnap Gordon Ramsey and hold him hostage at an Arby's for a week. Image 'ol Gordo having to woof down Beef 'n Cheese, greasy fries and Mr. Pibb everyday for a week. I'd watch that. Speaking of beef, what's my beef with these shows? Well, first of all, it's not reality. Secondly, since when did humiliation and degradation become entertainment. We've come along way from Alan Funt hiding a hidden camera and catching the reaction of some unsuspecting kid who opened what he thought to be a can of peanuts only to have a stuffed snake pop out and scare the living bejesus out of him. Now we have to terrify people by making them get into a box and dumping worms on top of them, or gross people out by making them eat the worms when they are finished laying in them. Or humiliate them by telling them they have a voice like a dying sea gull, or that they are fat, or that the man they thought loved them is cheating on them. So we can watch them break down and cry for the camera. What is wrong with the world? Does taking pleasure in other people's misery make people feel better about our their own pathetic lives? And don't think these shows don't effect people. What about the lady who was cut from Idol and was obsessed with Paula Abdul. Started stalking her and ended up killing herself in front of her home. Now that's reality! I'm sure there were other factors, like she was on pixie sticks too, but...
Jon and Kate of Jon and Kate plus Eight have filed for divorce (rumor has it). A 10-year marriage down the drain because they couldn't take the heat that they caused themselves. I wonder how the kid arrangement will be? Will each parent have to take all 8 kids at various times? Ha! And...one last point. What is it will all these has-beens and old rock stars with their own shows? Who cares if Ozzy has to clean up dog poop (poop's funny) or Peter Brady can't find a date or Gene Simmon's can't find his Geritol. WHO CARES!!!!!! Apparently, the majority of TV viewers doe care and the rest of us are stuck watching old episodes of All in the Family on TV Land while popping pistachios. That's it in a nut shell. Pis out.

Jeeves, Bring the Carriage Around...Fee Fee is Ready For A Ride.

June Gloom in LA. Suppose to rain the next two days out here. Yep, supposed to rain cats and dogs. Don't step in a poodle! Speaking of poodles, I saw one in a pink sweater the other day. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a pet lover, but some people really overdo it. The pink sweater is over doing it. What's next doggie dishes with caviar and champagne? Pimped out collars? Gold-plated pooper scoopers? Have you ever seen these little doggie carriages? Isn't the point of walking the dog to let it roam and get some exercise. Now they're strolled around like some furry little infant in their doggie carriage with all their little squeaky doggie toys. Yuck! When I see this I get that feeling in my stomach like I just ate some bad salami. They're pets!!! Take your dog to the park, let it run, throw it a goddamn Frisbee!! I saw a lady walking her cat on a leash the other day. Her cat! Poor cat had a look on his puss (Ha! puss!...it's a cat) like a freshman who just had his pants pulled down in front of the girls gym class. I felt bad for it, and I'm not a cat person and most cats don't care for me. They usually just look at me, lick themselves and go into the other room. In fact, I had some bad experiences with cats. Not the normal scratch across the face or spilled litter box. Once I watched a cat for a friend and it died. Who's laughing? That's not funny. It died! It wasn't my fault. The cat was suicidal when I got it. It was freebasing cat nip. No, seriously, I don't know what happened...it ate a bad mouse or something. Not too long after that I had a dream that a bunch of cats lit my house on fire. Pay back's a bitch. But, I never met a dog I didn't like. I had a dog named Chester once. One of them sheep dog types with the hair in his eyes. I use to get him all worked up running around the house, then we would hit the linoleum on the the kitchen floor and slip and and slide and I would open the back door and he would slide right out. I was mean. I'd hear a faint scratch and I would let him and he would give me a look as if to say, "jerk off!!!" Now there places to take your pets to get their nails done, hair done and get a good massage. There are even pet therapists. So if your pet is depressed because it's out of pink salmon Friskees, bored with the same old scratching post or upset because no matter how hard it tries it just can't catch it's tail, you can have him go to Dr. Do Very Little and spill it's guts on his sofa. I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. Maybe a parrot. I would teach him to answer the phone and he can deal with telemarketers. "Hello are you happy with your present phone service?" Parrot: "Happy with phone service, happy with phone service (whistle)" It could deal with the folks trying to collect my credit card payments too. Parrot: "Checks in the mail, in the mail (whistle)!" And I can name it Montgomery and feed it pistachios! Pis out.

A Pill For Everything

Feeling down and out? Can't sleep? Eat too much? Not performing well in bed? No worries, there is a pill for that. Nowadays the airwaves are filled with magic pills to take care of everything. After watching these commercials over and over, you start to wonder if you really do have a problem. Maybe I am depressed, fat or can't get it up! The side effects and cautions for these medicines are sometimes worse than the thing they are supposed to be treating. Lunesta, for example is supposed to help you sleep, but warns that walking, eating, driving or engaging in other activities with out remembering have been known to occur with sleep medicines. WHAT! That sounds pretty important. Yeah, I woke up in the drive-thru at Taco Bell with part of a triple layered nachos order in my lap and mild sauce all over my face (cause I'm still a wimp even when I'm sleeping). Other activities??? Like what...robbing a bank? Then we have at least 3 pills you can take if you can't get an erection. Poor guys. A girl can sneeze around me and I...uh, never mind. Anyway, these pills warn that persons who have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, call your physician. I can't imagine that conversation. They also say to contact your doctor if you have sudden loss of vision or hearing. No shit? Loss of vision might be good sometimes as sex is a lot uglier than it feels. But, how do you know what the cure to the hearing loss is if you can't hear the doctor they tell you to call? It's also a shame that they have to tell you that Viagra and Cialis don't prevent HIV and other STDs. Some pill commercials come on and they never tell you what the product is for. They just show someone walking through a field of daisies and say, If you think Pill X is right for you, talk to your physician. If this pill makes me feel like I'm walking through a field of daises all the time, then I will have to see if counter acts with my allergy pills. Lexapro is for anxiety. "Should I take it? What if it doesn't work? What if it does work? Ooh, what should I do?" And lastly, there are a number of ant-depression pills out there. One says, "suicidal thoughts may increase when taking anti-depressants." Boy, they are really trying to eliminate the problem! My diagnosis, take two pistachios and call me in the morning. Pis out.