Flying High Again

Well hello. Where have you been? Oh, that's right, I'm the one who hasn't been writing.

Just got back from yet another trip to Philly. I've become a frequent flier this year. Flying is an experience that you never really get use to. Something about a big metal contraption zooming across the sky at 500 miles per hour holding 200 + people just doesn't seem right. Not to mention that your leaving your life in the hands of one or two persons who make, probably as much as you or less. The average airline pilot starts off between $30,000 to $50,000 a year according to which airline. Wow!

The whole process seems a little odd to me. Recently I had my toothpaste and hair gel confiscated. Forgot the no liquids rule. "OK, I'm hijacking this plane!!! Anyone tries to stop me and I will make sure your teeth are sparkling clean with a minty freshness and that your hair is perfect! I'm not kidding! Just try me!

Plus, you have to take your shoes off. I heard an announcement not too long ago, "We have a pair of brown shoes left at the security checkpoint. Please return to the security checkpoint if you left a pair of brown shoes." How can you forget your shoes?

I can't understand why people just can't seem to follow the simple rules at the airport. "Please do not stand in the red carpeted area. The red carpeted area is designated for airport personnel only." As I watch about 10 persons lounging on the floor of the red carpet as if it was their living room floor.

And since when did airline attendants become stand up comics? "Your seat cushion can also be used as a flotation device if for some odd reason we land in water in the desert between Burbank and Phoenix." Funny. "Please turn of all electronic devices including all cell phones, blackberries, raspberries, gameboys, gamegirls..." Ha! Maybe it's the altitude that makes people think they are the next Rodney Dangerfield?

Hate turbulence too. Who doesn't? One time we hit the worst turbulence I ever felt in my life. People screamed, luggage fell, drinks were spilled. The worse second of my life. And of course the pilot gets on and talks to you like the suave leading man soap opera star, "Sorry about that folks. Getting a little bumpy. Please return to your seats. Things should smooth out in a few minutes." Bumpy? It felt like we were hip checked by God!!

It's really a crap shoot who you are going to sit next to or around. Crying babies, overtalkers, underbathers or overactive bladderers. I went to sit next to a lady who gave me a dirty look when she had to move her bag from my seat. Shit, if she wants to pay me my $500 for the seat, I'd be happy to sit in the john for take off. Then I had the kids behind me who can't sit still, kicking to seat, singing Hanna Montana songs. I think kids either need to be sedated on flights or treated like luggage. They need to fit in the overhead bins or checked and put in with the rest of the luggage.

I also love the rude people. When we finally landed, I asked, "Does anyone know what gate we are at?" Three people looked at me as if I asked them to have sex with me. Just a simple question folks.

We ended up at gate b14, which I thought was good cause my connecting flight was at gate b18 and I had 10 mins to spare. But, it would be too logical to put gate b14 next to b18, right? No, instead I had to go backward, gate b13, 12, 11, 10 down to b1, make a left and travel across 2 of them moving walkways, make a right, b15, 16, 17 and finally 18. Makes sense aye? Just to find there was a gate change. Amazingly I still made it. By far a fun experience. When is teleportation coming?

One last question. Why can airlines charge you what ever they feel like? Why can you get a flight, in coach, for $200 and then be charged $1000 for the same flight a week later? What other business does that? You don't go to the local deli and buy a $5 sandwich only to pay $500 for the same sandwich next week!! That's why you need to get as much out of the flight as possible. Order 10 sodas, take the in-flight magazines (like Sky Mall, so you can order that $25 marshmallow shooter!), keep the pillow, blanket, headphones etc... and demand free pistachios!