Friday, May 22, 2009

Don't Do It...You'll Go To Jail!


I've been on a rant lately about California laws after a string of parking tickets and smog check tickets. My friend got a jaywalking ticket which is unheard of where I come from (Philadelphia). I decided to do some research on the subject and realized that I really have to be careful not to break some of the rules in this town.
For example, in the city of Glendale, CA., it is illegal to drive in reverse. Makes it kinda hard to parallel park I would say. It's also illegal to jump into a passing car in that town. Damn, when I'm driving, I always consider doing that. Especially a convertible full of hot babes going to the beach.
Speaking of the beach, in Hermosa Beach it is illegal not to have toilet paper in public restrooms. Duh, imagine having to call the cops when your sitting on the crapper? "911, what's your emergency?" "Yes, uh, I just did number 2 and I have no toilet paper." "Ok, sir, remain seated and calm...we are on our way!" "ok, hurry, cause I don't know how much longer I can't hold on!" Also in Hermosa, it is against the law to show your naked butt in a playground. Hmm...but I guess it would be OK otherwise, like the frozen food section of the local supermarket. Again, you would be breaking the law if you poured salt on the highway in Hermosa, but pour all the pepper you want.
In Hollywood, It is illegal to drive more than 2,000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. I would LOVE to test this one! "But, officer, count them...I only have 1,999 sheep."
In Long Beach it is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course. "BLEEP!! I came so close to getting it in the clown's BLEEPING mouth for a hole-in-one!!" Also in Long Beach, you can't have anything but your car in your garage. WOW! My landlord would be doing 10 to life if he live there!
And finally, in LA it is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent. Anything more, with consent, is called sadomasochism, but anything less is not spousal abuse? You will be arrested in LA for licking a toad, hunting moths under a street light or crying on the witness stand. "But, your honor (sob!), I didn't know they were moths I was shooting at (sob!). They looked like vampire bats after I licked that toad, (boo hoo!).
But, it's not illegal in CA to eat pistachios...so enjoy! Pis out!

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