Monday, June 15, 2009

Jeeves, Bring the Carriage Around...Fee Fee is Ready For A Ride.


June Gloom in LA. Suppose to rain the next two days out here. Yep, supposed to rain cats and dogs. Don't step in a poodle! Speaking of poodles, I saw one in a pink sweater the other day. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a pet lover, but some people really overdo it. The pink sweater is over doing it. What's next doggie dishes with caviar and champagne? Pimped out collars? Gold-plated pooper scoopers? Have you ever seen these little doggie carriages? Isn't the point of walking the dog to let it roam and get some exercise. Now they're strolled around like some furry little infant in their doggie carriage with all their little squeaky doggie toys. Yuck! When I see this I get that feeling in my stomach like I just ate some bad salami. They're pets!!! Take your dog to the park, let it run, throw it a goddamn Frisbee!! I saw a lady walking her cat on a leash the other day. Her cat! Poor cat had a look on his puss (Ha! puss!...it's a cat) like a freshman who just had his pants pulled down in front of the girls gym class. I felt bad for it, and I'm not a cat person and most cats don't care for me. They usually just look at me, lick themselves and go into the other room. In fact, I had some bad experiences with cats. Not the normal scratch across the face or spilled litter box. Once I watched a cat for a friend and it died. Who's laughing? That's not funny. It died! It wasn't my fault. The cat was suicidal when I got it. It was freebasing cat nip. No, seriously, I don't know what happened...it ate a bad mouse or something. Not too long after that I had a dream that a bunch of cats lit my house on fire. Pay back's a bitch. But, I never met a dog I didn't like. I had a dog named Chester once. One of them sheep dog types with the hair in his eyes. I use to get him all worked up running around the house, then we would hit the linoleum on the the kitchen floor and slip and and slide and I would open the back door and he would slide right out. I was mean. I'd hear a faint scratch and I would let him and he would give me a look as if to say, "jerk off!!!" Now there places to take your pets to get their nails done, hair done and get a good massage. There are even pet therapists. So if your pet is depressed because it's out of pink salmon Friskees, bored with the same old scratching post or upset because no matter how hard it tries it just can't catch it's tail, you can have him go to Dr. Do Very Little and spill it's guts on his sofa. I wish I could have a pet in my apartment. Maybe a parrot. I would teach him to answer the phone and he can deal with telemarketers. "Hello are you happy with your present phone service?" Parrot: "Happy with phone service, happy with phone service (whistle)" It could deal with the folks trying to collect my credit card payments too. Parrot: "Checks in the mail, in the mail (whistle)!" And I can name it Montgomery and feed it pistachios! Pis out.

2 comments:

  1. Ummm, Encino is only 13 miles away and my weather report says "partly sunny." I would like rain - why you gotta get my hopes up?

    Could I borrow your parrot to tell the Daily News that I really don't want a newspaper because I get all my news from the internet? They ask weekly thinking I may have changed my mind...

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  2. It's always sunnier in Encino cause you're there Bren. (aww...how sweet!)

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